Time to Throw Away the 5 Stages of Grief

The five stages of grief, first introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her book "On Death and Dying" in 1969, have become a widely accepted framework for understanding how people deal with loss. However, recent research has shown that the model is not accurate or useful in many cases, and can even be harmful to people who are grieving. In this blog post, we will explore the problems with the five stages of grief and why it's important to move beyond them.

The Five Stages of Grief

The five stages of grief, as originally proposed by Kubler-Ross, are:

1.     Denial: The first stage involves denying the reality of the situation. It is a defense mechanism that allows people to cope with the shock of the loss.

2.     Anger: In the second stage, people may feel angry and frustrated about the loss. This anger can be directed at themselves, others, or even the person who has died.

3.     Bargaining: In this stage, people may try to bargain with a higher power or fate in an attempt to reverse or delay the loss.

4.     Depression: The fourth stage is characterized by feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and despair. People may withdraw from others and lose interest in their usual activities.

5.     Acceptance: The final stage involves coming to terms with the loss and finding a way to move forward.

Problems with the Five Stages of Grief

While the five stages of grief have been widely accepted, they are not accurate or useful in many cases. Here are some of the problems with the model:

1.     Not everyone goes through all five stages: While the five stages may be helpful for some people, not everyone goes through all of them. Some people may skip stages or experience them in a different order.

2.     The stages are not linear: The five stages of grief are often presented as a linear process, with people moving from one stage to the next. However, in reality, grief is much more complex and can involve moving back and forth between stages.

3.     The model is too rigid: The five stages of grief can be too rigid and don't account for the unique experiences and emotions of individuals. People may experience a wide range of emotions and may not fit neatly into the model.

4.     It can be harmful: The five stages of grief can be harmful to people who are grieving because it may make them feel like they are not grieving "correctly" if they don't follow the model. It can also create unrealistic expectations for the grieving process.

Let's explore these problems in more detail.

Not everyone goes through all five stages

While the five stages of grief may be helpful for some people, not everyone experiences all of them. Some people may skip stages or experience them in a different order. In fact, a study published in the Journal of Palliative Medicine found that only 54% of participants experienced all five stages of grief, and only 11% experienced them in the order proposed by Kubler-Ross.

The stages are not linear

The five stages of grief are often presented as a linear process, with people moving from one stage to the next. However, in reality, grief is much more complex and can involve moving back and forth between stages. For example, someone may experience anger and then move back to denial before eventually reaching acceptance. This fluidity and variability are not accounted for in the model.

1.     The model is too rigid: The five stages of grief can be too rigid and don't account for the unique experiences and emotions of individuals. People may experience a wide range of emotions and may not fit neatly into the model.

2.     It can be harmful: The five stages of grief can be harmful to people who are grieving because it may make them feel like they are not grieving “correctly” if they don't follow the model. It can also create unrealistic expectations for the grieving process.

Moving Beyond the Five Stages of Grief It's important to move beyond the five stages of grief and recognize that everyone's grieving process is unique. Here are some tips for supporting someone who is grieving:

1.     Listen: One of the most important things you can do for someone who is grieving is to listen to them. Let them share their feelings and emotions without judgment.

2.     Offer practical support: Practical support, such as cooking a meal or running errands, can be a great help to someone who is grieving.

3.     Be patient: Grief is a complex and individual process that takes time. Be patient and understanding as the person navigates their grief.

4.     Seek professional help: If the person is struggling with their grief or experiencing symptoms of depression, encourage them to seek professional help.

Conclusion While the five stages of grief may have been helpful in the past, it's important to recognize that grief is a complex and individual process. It's important to move beyond the five stages and provide support that is tailored to the individual's needs. By listening, offering practical support, and being patient, you can help someone who is grieving navigate their journey in a healthy and productive way. If you are companioning with someone who is bereaved and are finding the experience overwhelming, please reach out to our grief counselling expert. We offer support for support-givers. You don’t have to carry the load alone. Read more about “Supporting a Bereaved Friend” on our blog page now!